Requesting Critiquing.

So, I wrote a short story called "The Unhappy Bush" a couple of weeks ago. People have told me they liked it, but I would like some critiquing from you guys:)
That, and I figured that it wouldn't hurt to post for once! I haven't been on here other than to read all of your stories because it's been a while since I've worked on any of my other story additions. *sad face*
I hope that this blog can start back up after a while, if you all aren't too busy! I miss you guys lately and all of your wonderful ideas:)

Maddie

(And finally the story.)

The Unhappy Bush

There once was an unhappy bush, a little brown and thorny bush, resting in a sleepy garden, subdued by the falling snow. Two people came walking around and looked at the bush.

“That’s an ugly little bush.” Said the first person,

“It’s very ugly.” Agreed the second person and they both went on their way. The little brown bush heard this and started to weep. The wind heard the bush crying and blew over to it.

“Why do you cry, little bush?” the wind asked, rustling its little brown leaves gently.

“The people said I was ugly and it hurt my feelings because I know it’s true. I’m little and brown and ugly.” The little bush sobbed.

“You are not ugly, just young and cold. Just be patient and you will grow taller and you’re cold leaves with turn green. When this happens, I will come back and dance.” The wind said in a comforting voice and then blew away.

The little bush was thankful to the wind for being so nice and he believed what the wind said, so the bush waited.

The snow stopped falling and melted away; Spring was here! And just like the wind had said, the little brown bush grew taller and greener. And the wind came back and danced in the tall green bushes leaves.

The bush was happy and smiled all day and even at night while it slept.

One day, a child was playing by the garden when he noticed the beautiful green, tall bush.

“May I take a branch of your green leaves, beautiful bush?” Asked the child.

The bush was so happy at being called beautiful, that it told the child to take its most beautiful, green branch; the branch that held its biggest, prettiest leaves. But when the child grasped the branch, he cried out in pain. When the child pulled his hand away, a big drop of red blood slid down his hand.

“You tricked me!” The child cried, “Your branches are covered with thorns!” And the child ran away, holding his hand and tears falling down his face.

The grass outside the garden despised the bush.

“You tricked the child and poked him!” “What good are you if all you have are thorns?” “Nobody will like you know.”

And the bush began to weep again. “Now my beautiful leaves no longer matter because of my thorns.” it mourned.

Now the sun heard the bush weeping and he sent down warm, comforting rays of light.

“Do not cry, green bush. You didn’t mean to hurt the child.” He said.

“But I did hurt him and now no one loves me. I only wanted to share my leaves because he was so kind to call me beautiful.” The bush lamented.

“The child didn’t know about the thorns and in your moment of happiness you forgot to warn him. It was an accident.” He consoled the bush. “Go now and explain what happened. It wasn’t right of the grass to blame you.”

So the green bush did and the grass listened to it then apologized for accusing the bush of hurting the child.

As spring wore on, the flowers in the garden grew their petals. They flaunted their colors and celebrated. The tall green bush celebrated with them.

The green bush smiled and sang and the wind sent its beautiful leaves dancing.

But then a flower asked, “Where are your petals, bush? The spring is almost done.” And all the other flowers heard the question and they all asked the bush the same question.

“I don’t know!” The bush exclaimed. “I thought I was just a bush.”

And the sun was hidden by grey rain clouds.

The flowers left the bush and went to play. So the bush looked up at the clouds and grew sad. Then the rain started to fall and the bush grew sadder.

“Don’t be sad, green bush, sleep.” The rain whispered. “Tomorrow you will be even more beautiful.”

So the bush slept and the next day when it woke up, it was surrounded by smiling and surprised faces.

“What’s the matter?” The bush asked.

“You have flowers!” the rest of the garden squealed with delight. “You are a rose bush!”

And the wind came and danced and danced and wafted the sweet fragrance of the bush’s roses for all to smell. The beautiful rosebush outlasted the other flowers. The two people came back and said the bush was beautiful. The child came back and all was forgiven when he found the red flowers peeping out of the green leaves.

And the tall, beautiful, green rosebush – which used to be little, ugly and brown, lived happily ever after.

Archer: Part 5 - Gordon

I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to get this posted!  I hope you enjoy it!

Maddie

Part 5

Gordon

After eating, we discussed travel plans.

"Do you have a horse?  I know you have at least one."

Adelwyn nodded her head.  "In a way, yes.  But he won't let me saddle him."

I gave her a questioning look.

"There is an old silver horse that uncle let free a few years ago.  He wanders the woods but never strays far from here."

"Will he come if you call?"

She nodded again.  "Follow me."

Adelwyn stood and went to the door.  She opened it and stepped out.

She gave a strange call like "ah ye ah" then waited.

I heard a rumbling sound then a huge horse leaped into view.

"Old!  You said old grey!  This is the most beautiful beast I have ever seen!" I exclaimed.

The horse was very powerful and kept charging toward where my cousin stood.

I was about to pull her out of animals path, when the horse suddenly slowed and stopped directly in front of her.

The horse put his huge head on Adelwyns shoulder and let it rest there a moment before lifting it and nuzzling her pockets.

"Ato waksh nan lakto, Denn!" Adelwyn laughed.  "Meet my cousin." She pointed to me.

I was a little nervous.  Denn stared at me.  His eyes were blue.  I had never heard of a horse with eyes that color here. Then realization stuck me.

I put my hand out for him to smell.  

He put his nose to it and pressed in.  

I looked into his eyes.  He knew me.

His eyes were the only thing that are old about him.

The deep blue held wisdom and age were his form did not.

"He is beautiful." I told my cousin.  

"Aeyortha na wais lotog felda."  I greeted Denn.

He whinnied a hello back then backed up.

"Adelwyn, my horse Galthro can carry extra supplies.  I can show you how to make a sling to carry clothes.  We have no  right to burden this noble creature.  Can you ride bareback?"

Adelwyn was thoughtful.  "Noble?  I know Denn was many things before a free horse.  But I thought that he was just adventurous.  Was he actually ridden in battles and wars?"

I nodded.

"Denn why never did you tell me?" Adelwyn asked him.

The steed looked at me hard.

Adelwyn stared at me too.

I fidgeted and shuffled me feet.

"You know something. Don't you?" She grabbed my arm.

"Adelwyn, he was your fathers war horse."

She gasped.

Archer: Part 4 - Adelwyn

Part 4

Adelwyn

Etta sat perched on my shoulder chattering about a crow who tried stealing his winter stash.

I was standing over a pot of vegetable soup I was making for dinner.

My uncle had been gone for two days and I was missing his company.  We live far enough away from the nearest little town that no one misses us.

I heard a knock on my door and stood up strait.  There was immediate silence.

Who or what could that be?  I thought, a little nervous.  I went quietly to the door, still holding my soup ladle.

I opened it, and there stood a tall young man; wheat colored hair, grey eyes.  I stared at him.

“I know you.”  I said blankly.  In my mind there was a whirl of confusion, recognition, heart break, disbelief and bewilderment.

“And I know you, your highness.” He bowed.  He shot me a crooked smile.

“WHAT?” I squealed and took a step back.  Etta squeaked in my ear.  Then a name hit me like a thunder clap.  “Gordon.”  I whispered softly, surprising myself.

He was staring at me.

“Gordon?” I said loud enough for him to hear.

He looked surprised.  “You remember me?”

“No!”  I was starting to feel panicky.  “Who are you?  What are you doing here?  What do you want with me?  Why did you call me highness?!?!  HOW COME I KNOW YOUR NAME!?!?”

My voice rose higher in pitch.  My heart was racing, my head was throbbing  I was suddenly dizzy, faces of people I didn’t know crammed into my head with sickening speed, their voices ringing out at the same time creating a blast of confusion and sound.

I covered my ears with my hands the ladle falling with a deafening crash, and Etta’s startled squeak when he jumped off my arm.

“Stop!”  I yelled at myself.

Then I did something I never thought I would do.

I fainted.

I woke up with a cry.  I was lying on a bench that was up against a wall.  I sat up.

I put my aching head in my hands.  “What happened?”  I asked myself.

“You fainted.”

“Ah!”  I shrieked.  I hadn’t noticed the person stirring the soup I had been making.  “What are you doing here!?!?!” Then I remembered what had happened.

“Shhh.  Calm down!  You hit your head on the ground pretty hard when you fainted and that knocked you out cold.  I brought you inside.”  Gordon turned and faced me.   Something was on his shoulder.

“Etta!”  I exclaimed. I looked at the man hard.  “What is he doing?  He never makes friends with a complete stranger!”

“Toolo nan whan,” He said, his gray eyes flashing. “Kae ton rak.”

I opened my eyes wide. “Nonan.  How do you know this?  I have never met anyone other than my Uncle who could speak in Klorinan.”

“Every one of the royal house can speak it, milady.” He said.

“Again you speak of the royal family.”  I stood.  “You must be hungry.  That soup should be done.”  I got 2 bowls and spoons.  I put the steaming bowls on the table.  “Come, sit.  You must tell me everything.”

“So, I have a brother, you are my cousin and I am a long lost princess?  That seems pretty farfetched.”  I looked up at Gordon.

“Yeah I know.”  He frowned.

“I didn’t say I didn’t believe you.  I know it’s true.”

“So you’ll come with me?”  His eyes brightened and he smiled.

“Yes.”  I smiled back.

Enjoy!

Maddie

Archer: Part 3 - Elendor

Hey!  I'm back with the nest part!

Elendor

“Your Highness?” 

I started.  I realized I had been dozing.  I sat up strait and shook my head.

“Yes, Sir Lionel?”  I asked, brushing hair off my forehead.

“Nothing your highness, I was just going to say you should get some sleep.  You haven’t had a full nights rest in who knows how long.”  Answered the kindly old gentle-knight with a chuckle.

I grinned sleepily.  “Thank you sir.  I might take your advice.”

“You are working hard for you kingdom.  Your father would be proud.”  He smiled. 

I smiled back.  I glanced around the stone chamber and at the large oak table.  I realized how tired I was.

“Very well,” I said, standing up.  “I will bid you goodnight.” 

Sir Lionel stood also and took hold of my arm.  “I wish your father could have seen the wonderful King you have become.” He said gruffly, bowing low.

“You have saved my life from my earliest days, Sir Lionel.  You do not have to bow to me.  If not for you, I would be dead long since. It is I who should bow to you.”  I pulled him up till he stood strait then kneeled before him.

“No sir!  You are my king!  I owe you every allegiance.”  He cried in surprise. “Please, stand!”

I looked up into his imploring face.  I stood them gave him a hug.  “If I could have another father,” I whispered, “It would be you.”

I walked out onto the balcony outside my room.  I stared restlessly out at the Keittian Ocean. 

My thoughts flickered to my earliest memories of a tall man and a beautiful woman smiling down at me, the woman holding my tiny baby sister, and at my sisters 1^st birthday, the smiling faces gathered around us.

There are many faces I recognize, the most vibrant images where of cousin Gordon and Sir Lionel.  He stowed us aboard a ship headed to Keitt.  He was there to help us and comfort us.  He was one of the many people who taught us.

I smiled at a memory of Sir Lionel teaching us how to sword fight.  It was cloudy that day.  We had started practice out in the range and was soon pouring rain.  We ended up in a mud ball fight.  We were all caked in mud.  I’m afraid that it was sir Lionel who had the worst of it.  The mud dried very quickly to his hair and beard once we were inside.  He had to wash his hair more than once to get the grit out.

I walked back into my room, over to the wash basin.  I looked at my reflection in the water.  I stared, the water seemed to shimmer, and then I saw Gordon ridding through a field in Gwindola. 

He was smiling, enjoying his freedom.

Just as Gordon was gifted with tracking and knowing, I was gifted with wisdom and oversight.  I can see people even if we are separated.  I don’t need a mirror or a pool of water to see clearly, unlike those who work with evil.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  The image of Gordon flickered then faded away.  I rubbed my eyes.  Opening them, I thought of the meeting between Gordon and my sister. 

I wish I could be there.  I wish I could have gone and told her myself.

I hope you liked it!

Maddie

Archer: Part 2 - Gordon

Part 2

Gordon

The King looked at me.  “It’s time, Gordon.  She needs to know and you need to get her.”

I shook my head in agreement.  “Where does she live?”  I asked.   I had been in this meeting for most of the afternoon and I was getting restless.

“She lives on the east side of Gwindola, past the Eastern Wood.  Her uncle will not be home.  They live in a big cabin next to a river.”  Answered King Elendor, “But knowing you however, you probably know exactly where I’m talking about.”  He added with a smile.

I shook my head yes.  I was gifted with a tracking insight.  Why did I have this gift?  I often wondered.  The answer always remained hidden. 

“Very well then,” Elendor said standing, “You leave at dawn tomorrow.”

I stood and bowed. “Yes my liege.” 

I turned to walk out of the room when the King walked over and put his hand on my shoulder. 

“Sir Gordon?”

“Yes highness?”

He looked me deep in the eyes.  “Stay well cousin.”  He grinned and gave me a hug.  “You be good to her.”  He commanded with a laugh.  “Try not to scare her to bad.”

I laughed back.  “Sure El, I’ll be as careful as possible.”

We stood there a moment. 

As cousins, we looked almost the same.  Only I had wheat colored hair while he had black.  We had the same silver eyes, same build and same height; he had the rounder face of the two of us.  He is only one hour older than I am.

I hadn’t seen Elendor the rest of the day.  Mostly because of the packing I had to do.  The other part of it was he was busy being a King commanding an army to win his kingdom back.

I was gone early the next morning.  As I made my way along the seemingly endless paths, I looked at the mountain I was passing.  Tall, strong, green and alive - all in all a beautiful site. 

I loved the country.  You could breathe easy here.  There was no place more beautiful than Gwindola.  

I considered how much danger I am in while going on this mission. 

I’m working for a King who is supposed to be dead.

He way supposedly killed off two years ago by the imposter, “King - I should be saying ‘Court Jester’- Roegad.”

Elendor wasn’t killed, but he was severely injured.  He was injured so badly we did indeed fear that he would die.  Elendor is tough though, like his father - the late king Orrden.

Uncle Orrden was murdered 14 years ago by Roegad when Elendor and I where only 6. 

My father Idelid and King Orrden where best friends:  They grew up together, played together, trained together and even died together.  They became brothers when my father married Orrden’s sister, Laynaette. 

There was a princess too.  She was only one year old when our fathers died.  

The Queen, my aunt Hanrell, hid her away right after the King and my father died. 

Everyone was told that the princess had died from a fever, while her mother’s younger brother smuggled and hid her in the country. 

I am looking for that princess.  

Elendor has always been careful to be sure of where his long lost sister was without drawing attention to her, because he knew someday we would need her to help rebuild his Kingdom.

Soon after that, the Queen died of a broken heart.  

Elendor and I had been taken and hidden away by those who loved the royal family.

This must be the place.  I thought.  I just rode up to a cozy looking cabin.

I dismounted the rusty colored horse I had been riding.  I went to the door and knocked.

I’m waiting for it to open.

Hope you enjoyed it!

Maddie

Archer: Part 1 - Adelwyn

Hi.
I'm so sorry for not posting in FOREVER! (like seriously, I haven't written since The Cry of Humming Bird :P {I am going to try and finish that by the way....})
I'm going to try to get my newest story down until it's done.  So on with the first part of the story!

Inrto~
Title:  Archer

Main Characters:  Adelwyn (girl), *Gordon (boy) and Elendor (boy)
(*Gordon and Elendor aren't mentioned in this part!)
Kingdom(s): Gwindola (this is where Adelwyn lives.) and *Keitt
(*Keitt is only mentioned...)

Part 1:

Adelwyn

I walked through the forest, making my way back home.  I had my bow in my hand and an arrow on the string.  

I fingered the feather fletching.  I heard the tree next to me creak.  I heard a sound and whirled around, ready to shoot if it was trouble.

"Etta! Aey lono mylana endos drabach?"  I whispered.  

I smiled and lowered my bow.  It was Etta, one of my squirrel friends; Ett meaning Speed and just add a to make it Speedy.  

Etta (or Speedy) bounded over and ran up my cloak.  He perched on my shoulder and chattered in my ear. 

I had asked him in ancient Klorinan why he was here instead of the Eastern wood, his usual occupation.

Klorinan was a language that all animals understood, and if you knew that language, you could have yourself a very interesting conversation.

As it turns out, my Uncle Iack had sent him to find me.  

My uncle told him that I needed to be home to receive his instructions, as he was getting ready to leave on urgent business.  

His work calls him away quite suddenly and often.  

Even though I've lived with him for my whole life of 15 years, I was never allowed to know his job.  I never questioned it, but I that doesn't mean I was any less curious than any other person in my situation.

I hurried along the well worn-path.  

"Etta!  Tell Iack I'll be there quickly."  I said in Klorinan.  Etta chattered his okays and goodbyes as I slowed to let him down.  He scurried up a nearby tree and leaped from branch to branch ahead of me.  

I wanted to stop and rest because I had been walking all day.  But I didn't.  It had to be very important for him to send Etta to get me.  

Any other time he would have just left left a note on the table saying he'd be back in a day.  But this time, It meant he would be gone for a week or two.

Its crazy. I thought.  Why do I have to be gone for this kind of thing?

My uncle had told me this morning he was going to take me on a trip to Keitt, the neighboring country, this week.  He had sent me to town to get food and clothes for traveling.

"Uncle!  I'm home!"  I shouted as soon as I could see our gates. I raced up the path to our front door.

"Addie!  Your home!  I was afraid I would miss you!"  My uncle ran to meet me outside our door.  He gave me a hug.  "Addie, I have some bad news-"

"I know uncle, I can guess... You'll be gone for a while and we have to post-pone our trip?"

My uncle laughed a deep belly laugh, the kind that makes you smile and your heart happy.  "That's my girl!  Sharp as a whip and prettier than the summer sky!" 

I smiled.

Uncle Iack put his hand on my shoulder and walked me into the house, got me out a chair (where I gratefully sat), set a plate of delicious venison stew in front of me and spent the last hour and a half telling me everything I needed to do while he was away.

And now?  I watch him gallop away and quickly vanish from sight.

I hope you enjoyed the 1st part of Archer!    I personally enjoy Adelwyn (I know...  I'm the only one who knows everything about her...) and I hope you do too once you get to meet all the characters!

Yours,
Maddie

The cry of Humming Bird, part 1

It was cold outside as I walked the moonlit path.  I wrapped my shawl closer around me and looked up at the trees. 

Don't let your imagination run away with you, Rebecca.  You know that wouldn't be wise. I said to myself.  Somewhere in the woods a twig snapped.  I twisted my head around quickly and listened, hardly daring to breath.  A deer ran out of the woods and onto the path almost 4 yards away from me. 

"Hello there friend." I said softly and slowly.  "What are you running from?"

 As if to answer my question, the deer started running as fast as it could go and a wild cat jumped out and took its place right in front of me.

Hold still.  Don't move!  Please Lord, turn the wild cat away.  Please!  I started praying frantically.

The cat stepped closer, sniffed the air, then took another step toward me.  This is it!  What did papa tell me?!?!?!?  Was it that cat are scared of loud noises?  I beg you Lord please send the cat away!  The cat stepped closer.
"Don't run and he won't chase you..." My father’s voice drifted through my mind.  The cat stopped and growled.  He was getting ready to pounce.  I shut my eyes.  All of the sudden a blood curdling cry cut through the air.  The cat jumped and ran back into the woods. 
I didn't know what to do so I stayed put.  Then I started thinking.  Where did the cry come from?  Was it an animal or was it human?  What should I do??? 
The ferns shook and I heard foot steps.  I sliped into the shadow of the nearest tree and crouched there.  The foot steps came closer.  A girl stood on the path right in front of me. 
"Hello?  Is anybody out there?  I am a friend!  Please come out if you are hiding!  I am alone and frightened."  The girl said.  "Please come.  I need help!" Her voice had a tone of fear and urgancy.
I stepped out of the shadow. 
"Peace."  I said showing both of my hands out, "I also am a friend.  My name is Rebecca.  What do you need help with?"  The girl jumped slightly then said, "My name is Humming Bird.  And my father has been kidnaped."


I hope you liked this story! 
Madeline May